Monday, September 18, 2006
What is the least amount of pistachios a normal human can have? 20, 30? Machon and his roommate went through a whole bin yesterday and many things crossed my mind.
1. I can't stop if they are in the same room. No chance, I will continue to eat them until my mouth starts bleeding and even then I will usually keep on going.
2. The fact is, it's not just eating. It's an activity. And I am pretty damn efficient at this particular activity. How quick can you open them? How long do you spend on each shell? Do you just eat and dump, or do you like me, suck the ever living hell of it.
3. What about the ones that have no break in them. The whole shells. Do you smash them open? Do you throw it back in and deal with it later? I guess this is a test of your character. Are you a passive, procrastinating, lazy person or are you an aggressive go getter that will just chew the hell out of it and get that nut? (Machon wants that nut, Machon needs that nut)
4. Some times it's not open, but it's not closed either. It just has a tiny little slit it in. What do you do then? Machon likes to jam his incisor tooth into it and force that bitch open. This is a very useful method. The roommate brings in a third object to get it done (knife, spoon, etc) but that I don’t agree with this move. It is me vs the nut, that’s it.
5. How many other snacks offer this type of commitment to them? I would say only the with the nut family are we willing to work so hard.. And there is a small chance you will get one that tastes live a beavers ass. Instead of quitting.. you race to shove as many more in your throat to kill the bad taste, to act as a chaser.
6. They are available out of the shell, but who the hell buys them like this? I immediately lose respect for those that do. Maybe, if you’re driving, but even then I would never commit such a sin. It takes away from half the experience (see point 2), and who knows what type of person was opening them. My guess is that it doesn’t require much of a resume to be a nut opener. Do they wash their hands after they use the bathroom, I bet there is a sign in there to remind them, but then again if you need a sign to remind you, the chances are your not going to wash them in the first place. I would also guess they just chuck the ones with no opening, and that pisses me off too. There is a good nut in there, just because it has some deficiencies should not deem it unfit for a life. Ethics my man, ethics.
7. Here is how I rank my nuts
8. Pine nut
-That’s right. F’ you peanut. You’re overrated. You’re not that special and I have no idea who deemed you the most easily accessible nut. But I can always stop eating you. In fact, when I was young and attending Bruins games at the garden, I would not even waste the time to open you. I would just eat the whole shell. That has to be an insult. You’re the easiest nut to open and you are still not worth it to me. Frigging peanuts.