Monday, September 18, 2006

Nuts


What is the least amount of pistachios a normal human can have? 20, 30? Machon and his roommate went through a whole bin yesterday and many things crossed my mind.

1. I can't stop if they are in the same room. No chance, I will continue to eat them until my mouth starts bleeding and even then I will usually keep on going.
2. The fact is, it's not just eating. It's an activity. And I am pretty damn efficient at this particular activity. How quick can you open them? How long do you spend on each shell? Do you just eat and dump, or do you like me, suck the ever living hell of it.
3. What about the ones that have no break in them. The whole shells. Do you smash them open? Do you throw it back in and deal with it later? I guess this is a test of your character. Are you a passive, procrastinating, lazy person or are you an aggressive go getter that will just chew the hell out of it and get that nut? (Machon wants that nut, Machon needs that nut)
4. Some times it's not open, but it's not closed either. It just has a tiny little slit it in. What do you do then? Machon likes to jam his incisor tooth into it and force that bitch open. This is a very useful method. The roommate brings in a third object to get it done (knife, spoon, etc) but that I don’t agree with this move. It is me vs the nut, that’s it.
5. How many other snacks offer this type of commitment to them? I would say only the with the nut family are we willing to work so hard.. And there is a small chance you will get one that tastes live a beavers ass. Instead of quitting.. you race to shove as many more in your throat to kill the bad taste, to act as a chaser.
6. They are available out of the shell, but who the hell buys them like this? I immediately lose respect for those that do. Maybe, if you’re driving, but even then I would never commit such a sin. It takes away from half the experience (see point 2), and who knows what type of person was opening them. My guess is that it doesn’t require much of a resume to be a nut opener. Do they wash their hands after they use the bathroom, I bet there is a sign in there to remind them, but then again if you need a sign to remind you, the chances are your not going to wash them in the first place. I would also guess they just chuck the ones with no opening, and that pisses me off too. There is a good nut in there, just because it has some deficiencies should not deem it unfit for a life. Ethics my man, ethics.
7. Here is how I rank my nuts
1. Pistachio
2. Almond
3. Brazil
4. Walnut
5. Cashews
6. Pecan
7. Hazelnut
8. Pine nut
9. Peanut

-That’s right. F’ you peanut. You’re overrated. You’re not that special and I have no idea who deemed you the most easily accessible nut. But I can always stop eating you. In fact, when I was young and attending Bruins games at the garden, I would not even waste the time to open you. I would just eat the whole shell. That has to be an insult. You’re the easiest nut to open and you are still not worth it to me. Frigging peanuts.

6 comments:

Brandon said...

Ha, interesting few posts. the nut discussion is interesting. Although, I have a challenger to Pistachio's crown....
THE SUNFLOWER SEED
Complexity of a nut and the cram in your mouth ability that only comes with seeds....any food that requires a spitoon is fine with me though. But those flavored ones are crap...seeds have a flavor...SALT

Throwing up into your beer then trying to return it?! The 4-Cup/Beruit champion is slipping...all dynasties end I suppose (for the international readers, Machon is a very highly decorated drinking game champion, the Tom Brady of 4-cup)....great story though

lets hear something about hi8us...if you remember that is.

Machon said...

A few notes:

1. I left it out because it is in fact labeled a "seed". But yes, the flavored ones are disgusting.

2. I never slip, it's just that I can't force myself to drink that much crap beer anymore. But again, I never slip and the dynasty will always remain.

3. Hi8us was nuts(not seeds). I dance my friggin heart out when they play, I mean.. it's 3 hours of me leaving heart out on the floor. I took another digger last night too. That’s two consecutives times that I wiped out on the dance floor and landed on their equipment. I was just dancing that hard. Some bouncer tried to take my beer and kick me out.. his poor attempt failed. Great show as always. Played some newer covers, but the Psycho Killer into Miss You back to Psycho Killer will always be my favorite.

Mike said...

The peanut isn't a nut. A little fact checking would be nice, ya know.

Also, unopened pistacchio's are not fully ripe. They open when fully ripe. Tossing those back is not a sign of laziness or passiveness, but rather a discerning and informed palate.

Finally, where the hell is the macadamia nut on your list! Have you seen someone open a jar of macadamia nuts and not finish them? Even though the person who put them out (or gave them to you) probably just came back from a trip to Hawaii and had to lug those suckers some 8,000 miles (or whatever it is), people have no shame and just woof them down. That's gotta be worth something.

Machon said...

1. I have never had a macadamia nut, or not one I can remember, so how can I fairly observe on their quality. I am sure it’s great. However, much like Two and a Half Men.. I have never witnessed its greatness. Actually, I am pretty sure I would hate that show.

2. Peanut is in the mixed nuts package I am going over, so it is in the post. Also, from wikipedia “Although a nut in the culinary sense, in the botanical sense the fruit of the peanut is a woody, indehiscent legume or pod and not technically a nut.” I am speaking for the culinary world.. the botanical world was never a big part of the Freeze Pop Land.. mostly because of the frigid tempatures.


3. As I mentioned before, I am eating every single one of these pistachios. They have been picked and packaged. Ripe, not ripe..I don't care I am going to eat it. The question is, now or later? Unless you can tell me that puppy will be nice and ripe by the time I get to it, I am not buying it. Were not talking banana’s here man, we are talking pistachios. And if you’re judging the quality of taste regarding these unopened nuts, they taste great. In fact, after I get them open, I am always extremely satisfied with the results.

Anonymous said...

Pistachio fact: The reddish, wrinkled fruits are borne in heavy clusters somewhat like grapes. Although known as a nut, the fruit of the pistachio is botanically a drupe, the edible portion of which is the seed.

looks like you're eating fruits and seeds

Brandon said...

boy beez you have a tough crowd around here huh?
WHAT THE HELL IS A DRUPE?!?!