Spending Saturday with Lincoln Hawk and Friends:

“The world meets nobody halfway. When you want something, you gotta take it.”

-That is not sound advice. You are parading your child around in an 18 wheeler without legal consent from his mother. I am sure the divorce was tough, but they decided not to grant you custody for a reason. That reason being, you spend 18 hours a day in bars and on the highway. Now you finally have the chance to spend time with your son (illegally) and you tell him he needs to steal what he wants? His mother has spent years building a secure superego and you just destroy it. Also, the first part of that sentence makes little to no sense.

“Being number one is everything. There is no second place. Second sucks.”

-That quote is from Bob “Bull” Hurley. I wonder if the character was based on the actual Bob Hurley, head coach of St. Anthony’s High School basketball program. Either way, we do agree with Bob here, second does suck. Especially when second involves being tied with Toronto 12 games back and October vacations to Disney for the guy who is shattering the Red Sox single season home-run record.

“Drive truck, break arms, and arm wrestle. It's what I love to do, it's what I do best”

-That is sort of intimidating. At least he is doing what he loves to do, they say that is all that matters.

“What are you trying to do? I gave you custody of the boy, I signed papers, what more do you want?”

-I am not sure what she wants Sly, but I would guess that stealing her child and taking him on a 3 day, cross country, tour of dive bars and arm wrestling contests is not it. Put yourself in her shoes. You haven’t been around for 10 years Sly. 10 years! And you show up at his graduation in a massive truck and take off with him... right before she heads into surgery? You bring up the fact you signed papers and gave her custody of the boy. First of all, the boy has a name, it’s Michael Cutler (Although if I was Mike I would want Hawk to be my last name. That alone may get you laid 3, maybe 4, times in college). Secondly, if you were going to fight for your son, that would have been the appropriate time to do so. Instead you just signed him away. So maybe she wants you to deal with the facts of your reality. Maybe she wants you to get your life back on track. However, I can guarantee she does not want you to perform the stunt you are about to pull.

-Random “Over the Top” trivia brought to you by IMDB:

“John Wetton, lead singer of the rock group Asia, sang "Winner Takes It All" for the movie, but after performing the song, it was felt that his voice wasn't "mean" enough, so the song was offered to Sammy Hagar, whose version ended up being the one on the soundtrack.”

That would be a great phone call to listen in on. Telling Wetton his voice is not "mean" enough. Classic.

Old S.I. Review (June 26, 1989)

Thought I'd try out another concept that could evolve into a regular feature here at 10CFP. I've got basically every issue of Sports Illustrated from the last 35 years at my parents house. From time to time I like to grab a random issue and go through it. It's always interesting, with the benefit of hindsight, to see what how well things hold up. Plus, at the very least, you usually get at least one or two great old quotes or funny stories. So I figured I'd share my findings here.

At any rate, on to the review. First issue is from June 26, 1989. Curtis Strange is on the cover with the headline "Move Over, Ben" in honor of Strange's 2nd consecutive US Open victory which hadn't been done since Hogan did it in 1950-51. No particular reason for picking this issue. I just grabbed it off a pile. More fun when you have no idea what to expect. Here are some highlights...

The Johnny Carson Memorial "I did not know that!" Department

-In the Letters section there are no fewer than 6 letters concerning the sanctions that were issued by the NCAA against Kentucky's basketball program back in '89. The best one questions Kentucky's sincerity about cleaning up it's program based on the hiring of Rick Pitino, citing the 68 violations Hawaii's program was hit with in the late 70's when Pitino was an assistant. I had no idea Pitino was even at Hawaii. Or that Hawaii hoops suffered a two-year probabtion between 1977-1979.

-In the US Open story on Strange, written by Rick Reilly is in insert that highlights the four hole-in-ones that were made on the 6th hole in the Friday of that Open. I actually knew that part. I knew four guys had aced the same hole on the same day. And I knew Nick Price was one of them. But I didn't know how fast it happened. The immortal Doug Weaver made an ace at 8:15. Mark Wiebe made one at 9:25. Jerry Pate, two groups behind Wiebe, made one at 9:50. And Nick Price, in the group behind Pate, made his at 10:05. So the people sitting at the 6th that morning saw 4 aces in less than two hours. Not too shabby.

Random Quotes

-The Scorecard page has a brief bit on the resignation of Barry Switzer as football coach at Oklahoma in the wake of numerous violations and arrests that would ultimately lead to a 3-year probation from the NCAA. The best part is a blurb about an OU Finance major who wrote a letter to the Athletic Dept. at OU suggesting that they fire Switzer and abolish atheltic dorms before Switzer resigned. Switzer's reply, as printed in S.I....

Dear Mike,

This is in response to your letter to Mr. Loren Ellis, copied to me.

Mike, you haven't lived long enough for me to consider your suggestions and proposals of much value.

Sincerely,

Barry Switzer
Head Football Coach

-"I'm the baddest Bad Boy you've ever seen!"
-Rick Mahorn, still basking in Detroit's sweep of the Lakers to win the NBA title. What Rick didn't know at the time was that he was about to be shipped to Minnesota in the expansion draft. I imagine he must have been less than pleased when he got that news.

-"For the first time, there is a feeling that this is the formula to eradicate drugs in U.S. track and field."
-Frank Greenberg, president of The Athletics Congress on a new drug policy for US track and field. From 1989. Yeah, how'd that work out for you, Frank?

Kevin Mitchell Madness

My favorite article in the entire issue is a piece on Kevin Mitchell, who was leading the league in home runs at that point, with 24. Knowing what we know about Kevin Mitchell now (decent career with flashes of offensive brilliance but bounced all over the league and never ultimately fulfilled his promise) it's pretty funny to read the unmitigated praise and respect he was getting back then. Especially since Mitchell himself was not shy about tooting his own horn. These two quotes sum it up...

"In my 40 years of baseball, I've seen a lot of great hitters. But I can't remember anything like this. It's unbelievable."
-Giants Manager, Roger Craig

"Unbelievable? You think I can't keep this up for the whole year? You think it's impossible? Well, I can. Hitting is easy for me."
-Kevin Mitchell

Ads of note

-Pall Mall Cigarettes has a spread on the inside of the cover featuring a giant carton of smokes bursting through a pier. I'm guessing they might not be advertising in SI any more. Just a guess.

-Seagram's Light Whiskey has a tremendously cheesy ad. No fewer than 12 of the whitest white people in the history of white people sitting around some kind of ski lodge table with veggies and dip, laughing and smiling at each other.

-Dr. J appears in a generic yellow basketball uniform in an ad for Dr. Scholl's new Tritin cure for athlete's foot. "Tritin scores the first three-point play against athlete's foot," says the Doc.

-Miller ran an ad which had two coupons at the bottom. One was for $5 off a pair of "Brews Brothers" boxer shorts. The Brews Brothers, by the way, were penguins wearing boxer shorts and sunglasses. So maybe it's no surprise that the other coupon is for $10 off a pair of Gargoyles So-Cool Shades with a free Croakies sports cord.

Greyhound Racing: Wave of the Future

Another highlight of the issue is a 4 page article about how Greyhound racing is booming and horse racing is dying. They even use Wonderland (yes, THAT Wonderland) and Suffolk Downs as the case study. Here are some tidbits from that column...

"At Suffolk Downs the paint is peeling, the windows are splattered with pigeon droppings and the pitted asphalt is littered with hot dog wrappers from the sad little snack bars."

"By contrast, Wonderland is the Tomorrowland of racing....the track is bright and cheerful, with sparkling art-deco tile, neon lights and clean bathrooms. Bettors have their choice of pizza, calzone or a good-quality hamburger, and the bar is an attractive wood and brass pub."

"No greyhound track has ever failed or ever lost money." -Elliot Maisel, owner of 4 dog tracks.

1989 NBA Draft Preview

SI predicted the first round draft picks for all 27 teams. They got 4 of them right.

Inside Baseball With Peter Gammons

-John Dopson was cited in Peter's column for having committed more balks by himself (11) than any pitching staff in the entire league. (11 balks? Are you kidding me?)

-Under "The Price of Stardom" was this tidbit on the aforementioned Kevin Mitchell..."In March you could get the rookie card of Kevin Mitchell for 25 cents. Now the price has climbed to $6. (And I hope you sold at $6/card too. Because now? There's one Kevin Mitchell for sale on ebay for $0.35 and there are no takers.)

-Peter quotes an unnamed scout who claims that Ruben Sierra is the best player in the American League. People were legitmately upset that Canseco got the All-Star start over Ruben.

-Whitey Herzog and Lou Gorman are both quoted regarding their lust for Expos lefty Mark Langston. Lou says Boston will enter a bidding war with anyone if Langston becomes available.

Esquire: Who is She?

Esquire has been releasing a photo a month of the "Sexiest Woman Alive". They have released 5 photos and the next one will reveal the winner. What does everyone think?

Who Is She?

Machon is going with either Rachel McAdams or Scarlett Johansson. I am going not only by pictures, but also using the game of 20 questions under them.

We love the Woody Allen line.

So, Who Is She?

Stanley Speaks...

..from the shadows. Theoretically, there are 4 contributors to the site, but much like Stanley in real life… they feel like they don't need to show up all the time, they are constantly late for practice, and they have their own clicks. They bring lunch to school and still buy a friggin lunch, while Machon is trading in 7-up cans to get his hands on the large cookie and the square paper box of milk.

Anyway, our friend Stanley sent this along:

"The Realization hit many Michigan State fans this weekend as the Spartans blew a 16-point 4th quarter lead to the Irish. There had to be many booze-fueled, Clinton-mad rants among Michigan State fans after the final seconds ticked off the clock. None can be as memorable as this: an audio clip of a Michigan State fan who also happens to be a local radio personality. We pick the action up 7 minutes and 40 seconds into the radio segment. Enjoy."


Michigan State

As Stanley told me, commit yourself. It's long, but is very entertaining.

Busy Times

We are pretty busy this week over in 10CFP land, so stick with us. Here are a few things to keep your ADD at rest.


Play Deal or Now Deal without having to look at Howie Mandal
This is extremely addictive


Find 50 "Dark" Movies
There are 50 scary/suspense movies depicted in the picture. (Z) and (X) zoom in and out. Machon got 41, then had to use IMDB. It took a while, but you can pause and shrink if you need to make it look like your working hard.

The Good Ole' Helicopter Game
-Finish it off with a classic.

So Far So Good

Machon has enjoyed fall TV thus far. Last night we caught the premiere of HEROES and we really liked it. It seems like it's going to be a X-men meets 4400 meets X-files. I thought it was delivered very well and the Japanese guy made me laugh. So what is Machon watching this fall? Here is the list:

Heroes: It seems to be well written. I really liked the opener and will watch it until it loses me. This is what happens every year and by October this list is cut in half.
Lost: No need to explain. Either you watch it or you don't
Studio 60: I loved the opener. I really did. I thought Pete was overacting a little, but lets be honest here... it's Amanda "Can I take my shirt of now?" Pete. Second show was not as good, but we love Sorkin and think this will work.
The Office: If you don't watch it, leave. Ahh, don't speak.. just walk away and never return.
Kidnapping: Not sure why I am watching this one, but I am.
The Amazing Race The Family Edition almost killed the show. It was awful, but they come back this year with some killer teams (2 already eliminated). They have the couple, 2 years into it and deciding if they should make the next step, that absolutely hates each other. They have (had) 2 groups of very attractive women. Miss New York and Miss Cali are still in it, the spunky cheerleaders are gone. They have a lady with one leg. They have a middle aged giddy gay couple, that provide serious comedic entertainment. They have a father and daughter duo, where the father cries in disappointment about his daughter being gay. Two Country Bumpkins from Kentucky who have no idea where they are. They may win; they think they are still in Kentucky. It is amazing. Good cast, I am in.
Friday Night Lights: Machon liked High School.
30 Rock: Alec Baldwin, enough said.


Watching because of Machonette:
Greys Anatomy
Dancing with the Stars
Gilmour Girls
Desperate Housewives


Add in football, hockey, basketball, college sports, reading, and the internet. I am guessing first cuts will come around next thursday. The final roster should be set in stone by the 2nd week in October.

News In Sports

"On March 30, Minnesota Timberwolves center Eddie Griffin was drunk and masturbating when he crashed his luxury SUV into a parked Suburban outside a store in Minneapolis, according to a lawsuit filed Thursday"



Griffin's explanation for the crash was that he was watching a video and cranking it "all of a sudden he's shoveled somebody's car on the top of the sidewalk." That will hold up in court.

Great stuff.

"When he was interviewed by reporters after the crash happened, he said he had dropped his cell phone as he drove." Well, give the guy a break. How many hands does he have.

Thanks to Sean for sending the link



Link to Story

Lyrics Analysis (Do You Believe In Love)

Of all the bands that churned out pop hits in the 80's Huey Lewis & The News might be the one that best exemplified the kind of cheesy lyrics that were par for the course back then. And, in that regard, Do You Believe In Love, in particular, might be their signature song. Have a gander at these beauties...

(As with the last lyrics analysis, my comments appear in red)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE
Huey Lewis & The News

I was walking down a one way street (Is the 'one-way' part really that important? I mean, you were walking, not driving. Who cares if the road allows for two-way traffic?)
Just a looking for someone to meet (Anyone in particular or just a random person?)
One woman who was looking for a man (Ahh, there are the requirements. OK. So single man seeking single woman. Nothing too kinky so far.)
Now I'm hoping that the feeling is right (What feeling?)
And I'm wondering if you'll stay for the night (Well, that's a little forward. Hi, nice to meet you. Wanna have a one-night stand?)
So I'm coming (I don't wanna be lonely) (Geez. That's.....uhhhh....wow. Well, that kind of lays the cards on the table, doesn't it?)
I wanna love you all over (Awesomely disgusting. That's a Ron Burgandy pick up line if I've ever heard one.)

Do you believe in love
Do you believe it' true
Do you believe in love
Oh you can bet I believe it too (Oh, I bet you do. But I'm not sure you're really thinking about "love" per se.)

Now the feeling is beginning to grow (...and that's not the only thing that's growing. Hey-oh!!!)
And the meaning is something you only know (What meaning? What in hell are you even talking about?)
If you believe it take my hand and I'll take your heart (...and, in some cases, your virginity.)
Now I'm wondering where does true love begin (I don't know but I think it ended around the "I'm coming" part.)
I'm going under so I'm lettin' you in (That line makes no sense.)
My woman (I don't wanna be lonely) (Clearly)
I wanna love you all over (Again with the "love you all over" nonsense. Good times.)

Do you believe in love
Do you believe it' true
Do you believe in love
Oh you can bet I believe it too

I used to have you in a photograph (I'm so glad it's changed) (Huh? You used to have pictures of someone you just met?)
But now I've got you and it's gonna last (Do you believe in love) (Is it though? Is it really going to last?)

Do you believe in love
Do you believe it' true
Do you believe in love
Oh you can bet I believe it too

(Fade to black...)

Here's the thing though....I can make fun of Huey Lewis all I want but the bottom line is that, circa 1982, I bet Huey could've pulled this rap on just about any woman in the Bay Area and sealed the deal. Maybe not The News. But Huey? Definitely.

Free as a Bird

100th Post on 10CFP. So, I will let these guys take this one over. I don't have much to say after waking up at 7 to watch the Americans complete the wonderful weekend of getting their asses handed to them, and football starts in a 35 minutes.



Just a great video. I could try and go through and note on some of the many references, but it's been done already. Free As A Bird

That Is The Tempo

Extras

The Season Two DVD of The Office is tremendous, simply for the abundance of deleted scenes. It's amazing....they have up to twenty minutes of fresh, solid material that doesn't make the 24 minute cut on NBC. In some episodes, there are entire plot lines that are tremendous. What a tour de force. In 'The Fire' episode alone, you get to a)be there when Dwight sees Ryan put his lunch in the toaster b) hear Kevin's 5 desert island movies and c) witness a Michael/Dwight confab in Michael's office in which they are brainstorming the 10 business rules to present to Ryan.

Also, I just realized that Ryan's last name is Howard. That's strange right? I was just whining about Ryan Howard, the big, African American baseball player, right below....and now I'm not sure which Ryan Howard had a better year.

While I was getting the picture to the right on Amazon, I came across this:

Did You Know Amazon.com Sells Engagement Rings?

The home page is pushing engagement rings right now. I can't imagine that would go over well. I'm sure the product is fine, and I use Amazon all the time. But buying your engagement ring on Amazon, well, seems like something Michael Scott would do. And that's only funny in Scranton.

One Pick and One Punch

Last Week:
"Also, those who wish we talked about more football. I have a recommendation for you.
Bet against Carolina. That’s all I am giving you. No explanation.. Once a week I will give you a pick (I have my reasons) and if I end up with more than 14 correct I will by a beer for everyone who visits the site, yes.. even our Malaysian friend"
1-0.

Offer is still on the table.

This week Machon feels good about Buffalo.


On to the One Punch. One Pick is just is not worthy of a post, so each week I will post one of my favorite punches as well. This week, our man Tie Domi cold cocking Lucifer himself.

This felt great for all fans of Cam Neely and fans of decency in general.

Gay Witch Hunt

Tremendous start to Season 3 of The Office last night. I thought the Jim/Pam stuff was handled well. I'm kind of glad that wasn't the main focus of the show last night. Instead we got an absolute tour de force from Michael. Too many great lines to mention them all but here are a half dozen of my favorites from Episode 1...

Michael: You don’t call retarded people “retards.” It’s bad taste. You call your friends “retards” when they’re acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.

Andy: I sang in the a cappella group, Here Comes Treble.

Michael: I watch “Queer as F*ck.”
Jan: That’s not what it’s called.

Creed: I’m not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors, in the mud and the rain, and it’s possible a man slipped in. Would be no way of knowing.

Michael: I am coming out hetero.

Michael: I’m glad today spurred social change. It’s part of my job as regional manager. But you know what, even if it didn’t, at least we put this matter to bed. That’s what she said. Or he said. Oh, there’s Gil, Oscar’s roommate. I wonder if he knows.

5 Recommendations for the Weekend

1. Go out and treat yourself to a nice breakfast. You deserve it, and hell, how often do you get do that. Try to invite someone else, because eating your breakfast alone in a diner can really put things into perspective. If you do go alone, you must bring a newspaper. This will allow you to avoid eye contact with all the happy couplings and friends enjoying their Belgium waffles and eggs, sunny side up.

2. Take a self defense class. These ruffians are getting out of control. You never know when one will confront you and learning some kick ass technical moves could come into play. It certainly does for these guys: Tough Guys

3. Keep an eye on the Umass football team. They only lost to Navy by a point and beat Colgate and Villanova. The Minutemen are returning back to McGuirk Staduim to face Stoney Brook(0-3) and Machon predicts a blow out. Minutemen vs. The Seawolves

By the way: What the F is a Seawolf.

4. Buy some sour patch kids. Machon had not done this in years. We rarely go to the movies anymore, now that it costs $47 to take Machonette on a date there, and that was the only time we ever found these wonderful sour candies in the palm of our hands. Speaking of sour candies; do they still make “Tear Jerkers” and “Cry Babies”? Great names for candy.

5. Try to see how fast you can count to ten. Machon can do it extremely fast and has been challenged on a number of occasions, never to lose. Give it a try. Reminder: It is an automatic DQ if you skip 6. Everyone skips six.

51

Papi broke the team record:

ORTIZ BREAKS HR RECORD: Red Sox slugger David Ortiz has hit his 51st home run of the season, breaking the team record set by Jimmie Foxx in 1938. Big Papi's solo shot came in the bottom of the first inning at Fenway Park in tonight's game against the Minnesota Twins, the team that failed to recognize Ortiz's greatness. Twins' supposed ace, Johan Santana, served up the meatball.

Is there any doubt that the turd from Dirt Dogs wrote that passage? "Supposed ace"? Loser. Anyway, that record was around for 70 years. Damn. Huge ovation for the big man....the legend continues.

Ryder Cup Match-ups

The match-ups are out for the first session of the Ryder Cup tomorrow for anyone that cares. Here's the lineup...

Match 1
Tiger Woods/Jim Furyk v. Padraig Harrington/Colin Montgomerie
Match 2
Stewart Cink/J.J. Henry v. Paul Casey/Robert Karlsson
Match 3
David Toms/Brett Wetterich v. Sergio Garcia/Jose Maria Olazabal
Match 4
Phil Mickelson/Chris DiMarco v. Darren Clarke/Lee Westwood

Good stuff. Couple of really good matches right off the bat. The only negative, from an American standpoint, is that Ollie and Sergio are almost a guaranteed lock in Match 3. I mean, that's as close to a sure thing as there is in golf.

Just some talent

Two video's of some pretty talented folks in my humble opinion:

Come and get your Phil

While BSG continues to routinely and lazily disparage the Bruins, apparently blissfully unaware that the Sinden/O' Connell regime is over (did he even care during the Neely/Bourque days? Just stop commenting on them. Thanks), our man on the Moses email list who actually has seen a hockey game live has this to report:

"Well, I just got back from the Bell Centre. Hadley, you are going to LOVE Phil Kessel. He's absolutely dazzling. For all you Sabres/Rangers/Islanders fans out there, Kessel plays an awful lot like Patty LaFontaine. He's an electric skater. He always seems to be around the puck. And he has an awesome shot. If they pair him up with Marc Savard or Patrice Bergeron this season, look out! I predict a 30-goal season for the rook.

Bruins look very very good this season, my friends."

The guy who wrote this edited the best preview publication I've seen in 15 years (link below) for this upcoming hockey season. Not quite the extensive research as the Simmons "You're dead to me" theory, but some solid work nonetheless. He knows what he's talking about. I'm ready, baby.

https://secure.fantasysports.ca/FSSNewsstand/OrderForm.aspx

Great Album Covers: Part II

The name of the group only enhances the name of the album.

Few Points:

1. Who are they asking? They are asking somebody to allow some touching to happen, but whom? Should they have added a “please”? Would that not be the polite thing to do?
2. I kind of like their set up. You don't see this much anymore. Tallest to shortest, angle towards the middle, it makes sense in a bar mitzvah/middle school dance kinda way. They even have glasses on the left side. Extremely organized bunch, not to mention matching slacks and blazers.
3. Combined age? I am going with 236. Seriously, 236.
4. The more I think about it, I don't believe there is any music on this album at all. There is no way these four can produce a melody. Rhythm, not a chance. Harmony, Please.
5. Who knows, I may not be giving them credit. They may have been way ahead of their time in a Tarantino, Kill Bill, kind of way. What I am trying to say is that their first album does not work with out their second:



It just can't get much better than that.

"Doctor Accused of Giving Stripper a Hand"

"The dancer, Linda Kay, kept the hand in a jar of formaldehyde in her bedroom. Friends have said she called the hand 'Freddy.'"

She also had 6 skulls in her apartment.

Machon is not sure if there is even a punch line here. We just think she should go away, far away. We also think they should tighten up the policy on selecting exotic dancers.


Link:
Lend a Helping Hand to your Local Strippers

Lyrics Analysis (I Need Love)

Is it too soon for another lyrics analysis? Seems like it might be too soon. Well, I can't help it. Hadley mentioned LL Cool J's "I Need Love" to me the other day and I need to post something before I forget. It's too good to pass up. I think what I'll do this time is post the entire song in black and add my two cents in red. So without further ado...


When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall (Really? That must look weird.)
and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call
Telling me I need a girl who's as sweet as a dove (Is "sweet as a dove" a real term? I know doves are a symbol of peace. Sweet as a dove? I'm not sure on that one.)
for the first time in my life, I see I need love
There I was giggling about the games
that I had played with many hearts, and I'm not saying no names (Very gentlemanly)
Then the thought occured, tear drops made my eyes burn (That sounds pretty painful)
as I said to myself look what you've done to her
I can feel it inside, I can't explain how it feels
all I know is that I'll never dish another raw deal (Noble thought. Songs like "Doin' It" make you wonder how serious he was about that pledge though)
Playing make believe pretending that I'm true
holding in my laugh as I say that I love you (That's cold)
Saying amour kissing you on the ear (In the words of Don Cherry..."That's French, folks.")
whispering I love you and I'll always be here
Although I often reminsce I can't believe that I found
a desire for true love floating around
Inside my soul because my soul is cold
one half of me deserves to be this way till I'm old
But the other half needs affection and joy (...and, also, an Around The Way Girl)
and the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy (that sounds a little dirty)

I need love
I need love

Romance sheer delight how sweet
I gotta find me a girl to make my life complete (See Maguire, Jerry)
You can scratch my back, we'll get cozy and huddle (Huddle? That has to be a misprint, no? Has to be cuddle, doesn't it? Although, you know what...I'm sticking with huddle. F it. Insert football joke here.)
I'll lay down my jacket so you can walk over a puddle (Seems doubtful)
I'll give you a rose, pull out your chair before we eat
kiss you on the cheek and say ooh girl you're so sweet (Again, very gentlemanly)
It's deja vu whenever I'm with you (Wait. What?)
I could go on forever telling you what I do (Huh? You're losing me)
But where you at you're neither here or there
I swear I can't find you anywhere
Damn sure ain't in my closet, or under my rug (Yeah, but did you check behind the fish tank?)
this love search is really making me bug (I can tell)
And if you know who you are why don't you make yourself seen (Like a ghost? And how would she know in the first place?)
take the chance with my love and you'll find out what I mean
Fantasies can run but they can't hide (I'm not sure fantasies can do either of those things.)
and when I find you I'm gonna pour all my love inside (Niiiiice)

I need love
I need love

I wanna kiss you hold you never scold you just love you (This is getting a little personal. Good use of scold though.)
suck on you neck, caress you and rub you (Stop it)
Grind, moan and never be alone (Why? Was that really necessary?)
if you're not standing next to me you're on the phone (That seems a little suffocating. I mean, what if she wants to take a yoga class?)
Can't you hear it in my voice, I need love bad
I've got money but love's something I've never had (Good work slipping the money part in there.)
I need your ruby red lips sweet face and all
I love you more than a man who's 10 feet tall (That's awesome. That's all I can say. Best line in the song. As if height has anything to do with it. What about a 15 foot tall man? Do you love her more than him? What about weight?)
I'd watch the sunrise in your eyes (Sounds good on paper. Are you really gonna do that though? I'm gonna guess no.)
we're so in love when we hug we become paralyzed (Really? Why? That's bad.)
Our bodies explode in ecstasy unreal (That seems a little excessive. And, again, potentially painful)
you're as soft as a pillow and I'm as hard as steel (Try that pickup line sometime and see where it gets you.)
It's like a dream land, I can't lie I never been there
maybe this is an experience that me and you can share
Clean and unsoiled yet sweaty and wet (That's a phrase you won't find in the Bible.)
I swear to you this is something that I'll never forget

I need love
I need love

See what I mean I've changed I'm no longer
a playboy on the run I need something that's stronger
Friendship, trust honor respect admiration (What about Umberto Unity?)
this whole experience has been such a revelation
It's taught me love and how to be a real man
to always be considerate and do all I can (He seems pretty earnest, ladies)
Protect you you're my lady and you mean so much
my body tingles all over from the slightest touch (You might want to have that checked)
Of your hand and understand I'll be frozen in time (Don't oversell it)
till we meet face to face and you tell me you're mine
If I find you girl I swear I'll be a good man
I'm not gonna leave it in destiny's hands (Things are either destined or they're not. If so, you most certainly will leave it in destiny's hands. You won't have a choice. If not, you were in control the whole time anyway. Don't go blaming your "playboy on the run" antics on destiny.)
I can't sit and wait for my princess to arrive
I gotta struggle and fight to keep my dream alive
I'll search the whole world for that special girl (Starting with the closet and under the rug apparently)
when I finally find you watch our love unfurl (Can you use "unfurl" if you're not talking about a flag? Is that allowed?)

I need love
I need love

Girl, listen to me
When I be sittin in my room all alone, staring at the wall
fantasies, they go through my mind
And I've come to realize that I need true love
and if you wanna give it to me girl make yourself seen
I'll be waiting
I love you

(Ladies...how can you possibly refuse?)

Doctor Freeze

Trust me....

The Renowned Boston Globe Sports Section

You know Hadley has been whining for years that the Globe sports section continues to go down the tubes with a complete and utter disregard for facts. Check this passage from Boston Sports Media Watch out from yesterday, I can't imagine producing worse journalism if constantly surrounded by women and wine:

________________________

I've gotten a number of emails this morning regarding a paragraph in Nick Cafardo's column this morning on David Murphy.

The passage in question is this one:

"The '03 draft produced Rocco Baldelli, Mark Teixeira, Jose Reyes, Joe Mauer, Miguel Cabrera, Justin Morneau, Johan Santana, Travis Haffner, Hanley Ramirez, Rich Harden, Lastings Milledge, Brandon Wood, Nick Markakis, Chad Cordero, and Rickey Weeks.

When one thinks of it in that context, Murphy hasn't measured up, but the journey isn't over."

So where do we begin here?
It's Travis Hafner, not Haffner. In addition, he was drafted in 1996, not 2003.

Johan Santana was orginally signed by as an amateur free agent in 1995. In 2003, he was in his fourth year with the Twins.

Rocco Baldelli was drafted in 2000.

Mark Teixeira was drafted in 2001.

Jose Reyes was signed as an amateur free agent in 1999.

Joe Mauer was drafted in 2001.

Miguel Cabrera was signed as an amateur free agent in 1999.

Justin Morneau was drafted in 1999.

Hanley Ramirez was signed as an amateur free agent in 2000.

Rich Harden was drafted in 2000.

Minor quibble, (compared with the rest): It's Rickie Weeks, not Rickey.

The only players in Nick's list actually drafted in 2003 are Wood, Cordero, Weeks, Milledge and Markakis.

What is going on over there? Is it that hard to check a few facts? Nick is trying to compare Murphy to other players drafted in his class, and just totally messed it up. It took me all of 5 minutes
_____________________________________________

What a scoop! Good job Nick! Keep it up....Maybe you can compare Delcarmen straight up to Eckersley in next Sunday's column! The best part about this entire passage is that the easiest comparison is Matt Murton, his fellow 1st round Sox draft pick who has had some solid major league success with the Cubs after leaving in the Nomar trade....and Nick neglects to really point out that since Murphy was a high school draftee and Murton was a college draftee, they really were on different timelines.

http://www.bostonsportsmedia.com/

Players Wives

Here is a picture of many of the Red Sox Wives:



Manny's wife is back row far left, she is the pick of the litter. I can't figure out all of them but going left from Mrs. Manny we have:

Mrs. Nixon, Shonda, Mrs. Lucky, Mrs Francona (I believe). No idea on the next two and I really hope the one to the left of Mrs. Ortiz is with Dave Wallace or someone because god.. she is unattractive, we know Mrs. Ortiz is next. Sources tell me the next two (who are both very hot) are Youks and Dinardo's girls. Good job fellas.

Front Row L-R:

Mrs. Clement, Mrs. Paps, Mrs. Wakefield, Mrs. Timlin, Mrs. Lorretta

By the way, thanks to some research from a poster over at SoSH, Youks' chick is Enza Sambataro, who used to date our boy Ben Affleck. Not to to shabby.

Big fan of Manny's wife, Juliana. Here is another picture with her and Mrs. Judas during the Queer Eye Shoot:

Howard's End

Ryan Howard has 57 home runs and 140 RBIs with a very good batting average and on base percentage in the 4th largest TV market in the country....and it's kinda sorta on the sports radar screen. Are you kidding me? This is amazing, it's a MUCH more well rounded season than either McGwire or Sosa ever had. In addition, he carried the Phillies right into the wild card race after they dumped Abreu. All that and he'll be only 27 in November and is an African American star in a sport that is becoming so irrelevant to black athletes that there is a MLB task force to pull African American athletes away from football and basketball. Is it because it snuck up on us out of nowhere? Has the NFL and fantasy football become that massive that it can distract from something like this? Did BALCO and the fallout make people not care about huge baseball seasons anymore? You're telling me that people care more about a David Ortiz rant about how a power hitter deserves a MVP more than a gritty, slugging-free shortstop (a fair point, but he probably should have held it to himself....by the way, if you read the story, he didn't say that he personally should win it. He pushes Morneau or Dye, but that makes for bad copy).

Drink one for Ryan Howard tonight.

Who is Visiting

I find this immensely intriguing. This is a pie chart of the location of our visitors today:




You will notice Malaysia made it's daily stop.. but quite a few others came by today as well.

Including an Unknown Country????? Maybe I was wrong about King Hippo.

Yesterday we had a 100% USA day. I kind of liked that.

Great Album Covers: Part 1

Machon, a while back, was having a conversation with some friends about this. We did a lot of research and found some incredible stuff. There is some great stuff out there on the net and after looking at about 100 awesomely awful covers, we decided on our favorite 5. So while Clarke will analyze the context of album songs, Machon will look at the context on these album covers.




You have to be friggin kidding me? Seriously? Orleans is not your no-name band. “Still the One” was a legitimate hit. But, what in gods name were they thinking here? I mean seriously. An album cover is a form of marketing. You want to catch your audience’s eye. A very creative cover can raise sales with more impulse buys. I would love to have been in the room when the hammered this idea out. They all look pretty happy with it, all 5. Could you imagine trying to convince 4 of your friends to get naked with you, hug each other and take pictures? Some points:

1. The guy on the far right has way too much hair. Also, he is definitely holding, nay, pulling the second guys hand on his nipple. This brings on a very large smile. This guy is really awkward looking. Machon dislikes this guy the most.
2. The man in the middle is blatantly looking at the awkward guy on the far rights package. This is your album cover for cryin' out loud, look at the camera. And if you must look somewhere else; the scrawny, hairy, unpleasant guy’s kibbles and bits can't be the best choice. It just can’t be.
3. That dude is resting his chin on the voyeur’s shoulder. In fact, both men next to the tall peeping tom may be doing this. I am 24, I have never rested my chin on a fully clothed man, never mind a naked one. This man (left of center) also seems to have an enormous wingspan. He almost wraps all 4 of the fully grown naked men in his arms during the shoot.
5. Besides the fact he is short and naked, I don’t have to much to say about the guy on the far left. I bet he was the last to commit, I also bet he was the drummer.

Lyrics Analysis (Nothin' But A Good Time)

Today we shine the spotlight on Poison's "Nothin' But A Good Time" off the venerable Open Up and Say...Ahh! album. As you might expect, I've got an issue with several lyrics here. For starters, let's take a look at the last line of the first verse, as delivered by Poison front man Bret Michaels...

I'm always workin', slavin' every day
Gotta get a break from that same old same old
I need a chance just to get away
If you could hear me think this is what I'd say

OK. Couple problems, Bret. I think you mean "if you could read my mind." Not "if you could hear me think." Because here's the thing. The sound of someone thinking is different from the actual thought. The sound of thinking might be you tapping your chin. Or scratching your head. Or the actual sound, if you could measure it, of stuff (neurons, maybe?) firing inside your brain. The particular thing you're thinking about (in this case that you "ain't looking for nothin' but a good time") is something else altogether.

But, in any event, if I were a mind reader...if I could, in fact, know what you're thinking...you wouldn't need to say it. I'd already know it. You might say something like "if you could read my mind, this is what it would say." But you tell us anyway. So what's the point?

Moving on. Here's the start of the second verse...

They say I spend my money on women and wine
But I couldn't tell ya where I spent last night

My question? What does one have to do with the other? What does where you spent last night have to do with how you spend the majority of your money? It's like saying, "they say my favorite color is purple but last night I ate a hamburger." Makes no sense. The goal, as far as I can tell, is to establish Bret Michaels as some kind of a badass. Like he's so f'n crazy he wastes all his money on booze and broads and he doesn't even know where he slept last night. Yeah, fine. Whatever. But then why's he buying wine? Wouldn't beer or hard alcohol be more appropriate? How hardcore can you be if you're spending all your money on pinot noir?

Finally, I take issue with this half-spoken, half-sung lyric at the end...

You see I raise a toast to all of us
Who are breakin' our backs every day
If wantin' the good life is such a crime
Lord, then put me away, yea
Here's to ya

You want to raise a glass to the working man, Bret? Fine. That's your business. Let's not go lumping yourself in there with them though. I mean, come on.

Nuts

What is the least amount of pistachios a normal human can have? 20, 30? Machon and his roommate went through a whole bin yesterday and many things crossed my mind.

1. I can't stop if they are in the same room. No chance, I will continue to eat them until my mouth starts bleeding and even then I will usually keep on going.
2. The fact is, it's not just eating. It's an activity. And I am pretty damn efficient at this particular activity. How quick can you open them? How long do you spend on each shell? Do you just eat and dump, or do you like me, suck the ever living hell of it.
3. What about the ones that have no break in them. The whole shells. Do you smash them open? Do you throw it back in and deal with it later? I guess this is a test of your character. Are you a passive, procrastinating, lazy person or are you an aggressive go getter that will just chew the hell out of it and get that nut? (Machon wants that nut, Machon needs that nut)
4. Some times it's not open, but it's not closed either. It just has a tiny little slit it in. What do you do then? Machon likes to jam his incisor tooth into it and force that bitch open. This is a very useful method. The roommate brings in a third object to get it done (knife, spoon, etc) but that I don’t agree with this move. It is me vs the nut, that’s it.
5. How many other snacks offer this type of commitment to them? I would say only the with the nut family are we willing to work so hard.. And there is a small chance you will get one that tastes live a beavers ass. Instead of quitting.. you race to shove as many more in your throat to kill the bad taste, to act as a chaser.
6. They are available out of the shell, but who the hell buys them like this? I immediately lose respect for those that do. Maybe, if you’re driving, but even then I would never commit such a sin. It takes away from half the experience (see point 2), and who knows what type of person was opening them. My guess is that it doesn’t require much of a resume to be a nut opener. Do they wash their hands after they use the bathroom, I bet there is a sign in there to remind them, but then again if you need a sign to remind you, the chances are your not going to wash them in the first place. I would also guess they just chuck the ones with no opening, and that pisses me off too. There is a good nut in there, just because it has some deficiencies should not deem it unfit for a life. Ethics my man, ethics.
7. Here is how I rank my nuts
1. Pistachio
2. Almond
3. Brazil
4. Walnut
5. Cashews
6. Pecan
7. Hazelnut
8. Pine nut
9. Peanut

-That’s right. F’ you peanut. You’re overrated. You’re not that special and I have no idea who deemed you the most easily accessible nut. But I can always stop eating you. In fact, when I was young and attending Bruins games at the garden, I would not even waste the time to open you. I would just eat the whole shell. That has to be an insult. You’re the easiest nut to open and you are still not worth it to me. Frigging peanuts.

Learn to Cook

Seriously, Do it. Machon has been cooking (aggressively) for about 2-3 years and loves it. It A) Relaxes me B) is rewarding and C) is impressive. If you can whip up a very tasteful, quality meal for some girl your dating that is a strength. In fact, if you were to give yourself a SWOT analysis, being a great cook is definitely a Strength and an Opportunity. For those that are not familiar with a SWOT analysis, to bad.. google it. Anyway, here is one of my go to recipes.

Chicken Marsala (stuffed with Fontana cheese and prosciutto)

Marsala Recipe



6 chicken breasts
4 tablespoon butter
Salt
Pepper
Thyme
6 slices prosciutto
6 slices Fontina cheese
Flour, for dredging
4 cups sliced mushrooms (cremini, oyster, shiitake, portabella, the more the merrier)
Lots of Marsala Sauce****
1 cup chicken stock
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Chopped chives, for garnish

Cut pockets into chicken breasts. Season pockets with salt, pepper and thyme. Stuff each breast with a slice of prosciutto and a piece of Fontana. Dip chicken breasts in flour. Heat skillet. Add 1 tablespoon butter to skillet and sauté chicken breasts until brown on both sides. Remove browned chicken breasts from skillet. Keep juices in! Add 1 tablespoon of the remaining butter to the pan and add the mushrooms. Cook, stirring frequently, until mushrooms are golden brown around the edges and have given off their liquid. Add the Marsala sauce and bring to a boil, scraping to remove any browned bits from the bottom of the pan. When the sauce has reduced by half, add the chicken stock and cook for 3 minutes, or until the sauce has thickened slightly. Lower the heat to medium and return the chicken breasts to the pan and continue to cook until they are cooked through and the sauce has thickened, about 5 to 6 minutes. Swirl in the remaining 2 tablespoons of butter, add salt and pepper, to taste. Garnish with chopped chives and serve immediately.


**regarding the marsala sauce. This is what makes the recipe. Most people just throw marsala wine in the pan and reduce it, poor move..Machon does not approve of this. Make your Marsala Sauce before hand and it will just make the recipe that much better. Also, I make a lot, and use a lot. Some don't, but they are most likely wrong.

Marsala Sauce

• 1/4 cup finely chopped shallots
• 1 oz. Butter (1/4 stick)
• 1/2 Tsp. cracked peppercorn
• 1 bay leaf
• 1 sprig fresh thyme (1/4 tsp. dried)
• 3/4 cup Marsala wine
• 1/4 cup red wine (Use a good table wine)
• 1 cup demi glace*
• 1/4 cup heavy cream (optional)
The Method:
Melt butter in a saucepan and sauté shallots, thyme, bay leaf, and peppercorns for (approx. 5-6 minutes).
Add Marsala wine and red wine and reduce to half (approx. 5-6 minutes).
Add Demi-Glace** and stir with a whisk until demi-glace is incorporated.
Add hot water and simmer for approx. 5-6 minutes (until sauce has thickened).
Add heavy cream (if desired), and serve over beef, veal, or chicken.
Sauce is excellent over most grilled meats, such as veal or beef medallions, chicken breasts, etc. The heavy cream is strictly optional and gives the sauce a richer color and flavor.

You will not find Demi-Glace, you need to make it. Making Demi-Glace

I use angel hair with it, but thats up to you

Can Catfish Swim?

In all fairness, Catfish was 7-4 last week in the 11 picks he sent the Moses Email List. I just happened to choose the second straight loser. Since he knows the southeast pretty well (he's a USM diehard and lived through the glorious Favre years), I'l let him call this one. Thank me later for the 15 minutes you have to place this wager:

LSU @ Auburn -3.5

Auburn played great against Wash. St. but then had some trouble against Miss. St. early, before pouring it on at the end. LSU has faced two creampuffs in UL-Lafayette and Arizona. I am much more impressed with Auburn's performance to date. I like Kenny Irons and the home team. Auburn

Hadley, on another note, likes ND.

I get older...

Some people like to ask what my favorite type of movie is. I think I found the answer. It kind of creeps me out, but I think I have to answer "High School Movies". Sounds dicey, right? Well, Entertainment Weekly came out with the Top 25 High School Movies Ever. Talk about loaded:

1. Breakfast Club

2. Fast Times

3. Dazed

4. Rebel Without A Cause

5. Heathers

6. American Graffiti

7. Clueless

8. Boys N The Hood

9. Election

10. Ferris

11. Say Anything

12. Mean Girls

13. High School

14. Darko

15. Carrie

16. Lucas

17. Peggie Sue Got Married

18. Rock N Roll High School

19. Last Picture Show

20. Dead Poets Society

21. Grease

22. American Pie

23. Cooley High

24. Rushmore

25. Hoosiers

Yes, two of the best movies in cinema history are sitting at 24 and 25. That's a problem, but they issue a caveat that Rushmore is more than a high school movie (true) but they still need to include it and Hoosiers truly is a sports classic....anyway, that's a solid list. Wouldn't you say? I wouldn't suggest bringing it up on a first date however, this High School Movie fetish. It looks better on paper.

Five facts you may not have known about the greatest story ever told:

1. Vince Vaughn went for the roles of Benny and O' Bannion but lost the roles to Affleck and Cole Hauser. Does this mean that Vince would have been in Good Will Hunting if he won that role? Does that mean someone else would have gotten the Swingers role...this could have changed the Frat Pack as we know it.

2. Jason Lee was in Austin, Texas for the entire shoot, hanging with Adam Goldberg, Anthony Rapp and Parker Posey. Why? He was a skater, not an actor, dating Marissa Rabisi, who is now married to Beck. I'm guessing Affleck may have introduced Lee to Kevin Smith.

3. Ashley Judd couldn't get a role. She auditioned and didn't get chosen for any female spot, but totally hit on Jason London and from what I've read, it sounds like he closed the deal.

4. Universal Pictures tried to get Richard Linklater to eliminate all soundtrack recording and have current bands cover 70's songs. Linklater threatened to shut the picture down if the recordings weren't authentic. He even had to give up his royalties on the soundtrack sales to make it happen. That is a ballsy stand against the man and a necessary one at that.

5. The guy who played Pickford couldn't get along with anyone in the cast. I don't know a thing about this guy, Shawn Andrews, but it sounds like you'd have to be a pretty big prick to have that happen: that cast had a killer time in Austin filming that movie. There were cliques, but everyone kind of banded together, except him. Anyway, by the time they filmed the Joint Subcommittee Meeting at the Fifty Yard Line, Pickford was alienting himself and they replaced him with Wooderson to go with Donnie Dawson, Shavonne, Randy Floyd and Simone. (Imagine working yourself out of one the best scenes in movie history?). McConaughey was a student who was found in an Austin bar for a bit part at the Emporium, but Linklater really started to like him and then he used him at the Fifty Yard Line scene and Matthew came up with the whole "L-I-V-I-N" speech. Rest is history. Linklater went back and started added Wooderson scenes all over the movie. And all Pickford has is big eyeballs. Amazing

Brit and Tiger

First of all, I'm pretty sure Machon butchered that Britney post. That is DEFINITELY a photo of Brit being a super silly teen. This is an after photo:

As for comparing Brit to Tiger, I'm not buying it. I'm not even going into it . Brit is David Duval. Brit is Albert Belle. I'm not sure we have a comparison to Tiger right now. Ornery and flawless and one of the best ever? It's not coming to me.

Speaking of Tiger, this week's loss to Shaun Micheel in the first round of the Match Play Championship helps illuminate once again Tiger's greatest feat: 6 straight match play national championships. 3 Amateurs and 3 Junior Amatuers....unreal. The Tiger Slam is neat, the destruction at Pepple Beach cool, the first Masters romp fun, but nothing can beat not having a bad day for six years...and coming back from six down to beat Trip Kuehne for his first Am rocks.

Brit as Tiger...as El Presidente says HA HA HA!!!

Before and After

Clark, not to long ago, brought up the fact that at one time Britney Spears was a force. And, it is not up for debate, she was really out of control. I would have never imagined this course of action would have taken place. She was Tiger, She was Madonna (the non-fake-British version), now she makes me lose my appetite. It's sad.


Before:



























After:


















Talk about a drop off.

Hungover Rant (Caution: Possible lack of direction)

So they are repainting/residing my apartment. Great, Machon likes the effort. But, the problem is currently, the guy who is doing my section, is way to friggin gung-ho about his job. He actually is trying to have conversations, through the 2nd floore window, with me while scraping the wood. I have a few points to make at this juncture:

1) What is my duty? Or more specifically. Where do my priorities lay? Do I have to talk to him? Does his issue concern me? Before I came down stairs, he was getting into family life.... Machon doesn't want to get into family life with a guy who may or may not be allowed into freeze pop land without a thorough search down. In fact, even at my own family parties, I usually end up A) Drunk or B) talking with Clarke and/or Hadley.

2) Why do people think they can just talk to anyone? I really only talk to about 10, maybe 12 people at all times. This is because I firmly believe that, inherently, everyone is a foul piece of manure. Maybe not on the surface, but somewhere inside they smell like mittens (3 people get that reference, but then again.. going with the point of the post, F the rest of you).

3) Most people have a very different view on culture than 10CFP. Scratch that, most people that I find myself unwillingly surrounded with don't share our cultural norms. I am a big fan of not forcing an issue, not forcing a topic, not forcing anything..(Besides the fact I am a huge fan of peer pressure and really have developed an expertise at it at this point) I also pride myself on my chameleon ability to morph into different situations. Perfect example, at my last family party I had a 20 minute conversation with a two (DISTANT) relatives about current real estate market trends. How easy entry is and all possible barriers of entry. (now if I mentioned entry barriers to these guys, it would not have registered, but then again you need to know when to dumb up a convo, that is almost more important than being able to Darwin yourself into any situation). I don't own property, hell I don't own a gallon of milk, but I facilitated this conversation with such gusto that they probably think I am running condos in Newburyport.

4) When it comes to drinking, I am becoming a skirt. Last night I threw up in a cup after taking a Jager shot. Seriously, Upchucked into a cup. (Low point) Then, because of points mentioned above, I tried to get a refund on the drink saying that they severed me an awful beer. This failed, because there was obviously throw-up in the cup.

5) I am not upset about the red sox situation. I really am not. No team (and screw you Covell, and the rest of you MFY fans who think that losing Matsui, Cano and Sheff compare.. it does not) has suffered through a season like this in a long time. Allow me to explain.

a. With the loss of 3 players, the MFY’s still had the best top of the lineup in baseball
b. You only have so many, major league ready, replacement level players in a system. The Red Sox have nearly exhausted theirs at this point
c. The Red Sox, during the course of the season were with out (what’s the best way to do this? Hell, in the spirit of the game lets go around the horn)
1. Jon Lester, David Wells, Keith Foulke, Mike Timlin, Tim Wakefield, Jonathan Papalbon, Matt Clement. (Then there are the issues of David Pauley, David Riske, and Lenny DiNardo who were all placed on the DL for different reasons)
2. Jason Varitek, Doug Mirrabelli
3. Papi
4. Mark Loretta
5. How has he been healthy? He would have to be the suprise of the year. If you asked me in March, what Red Sox would not be playing (and playing unreal defense) in September, it would have been Mike Lowell.
6. Alex Gonzalez
7. Manny Rameriz
8. Coco Crisp
9. Trot Nixon and Wily Mo Pena

Feel Free to add on, I am sure I am missing plenty of people (we also traded a guy who threw a no-no, a guy hitting over .340, a catcher who makes Javy Lopez look like, well, Javy Lopez, A guy going 3 for 4 nightly with extra base hits up the poop chute, A beast of a kid hitting grand slams, etc.)

End of Rant.

Also, those who wish we talked about more football. I have a recommendation for you.
Bet against Carolina. That’s all I am giving you. No explanation.. Once a week I will give you a pick (I have my reasons) and if I end up with more than 14 correct I will by a beer for everyone who visits the site, yes.. even our Malaysian friend:

So thanks for reading this pile of shit, and now I give you a musical masterpiece and 5 points while you come on and swing it.


1) Why bench press in your video?

2) Why does Marky want to see sweat coming out of my pores? I am actually on my way to the gym, does his offer still stand? Can I call him up and let him know that sweat will, in fact, becoming out of my pores and he is more than welcome to watch.

3) I don't like Sunkist, I actually don't drink soda.. and further more.. why is Vibration good like Sunkist? Does that limit the quality of Vibration. And what type of Vibration are we talking about? Certainly not an earthquake, that wouldn't be cool. And Mark. I don't feel it, and I really don't want to come on, come on, come on.

4)"Donnie G is on the back up, Drug Free, so put the crack up" Wouldn't you want to put the crack down? Putting it up implies that it is up for grabs, free for the masses. And who the hell is Donnie G. I am guessing he is on guy you says "feel it, feel it" but does he deserve a spot in the song? Why not the girl who belts out the chorus? Is she not, "on the back up"? I believe she is much more "on the backup" than Donnie G. And what does G stand for? I am going with Griffin.

5) Who in gods name gave them access to this unsafe warehouse? It is clearly not pass the construction phase, there are no f'in walls. And why are there puddles? Who is the guy doing the back flips (which makes zero sense in itself) in puddles? And Mark couldn’t get a set of normal weights? I would have to imagine that it would be easier to join a gym than welding cinder blocks onto a pole. Also, they are definitely driving fast and recklessly when videotaping the city scene. You could chalk it up to some decent editing, but you need to keep in mind... this was Marky Mark before the transformation.. little to editing was happening.


-I actually love that piano riff.

You've seen it, You've heard it, but god damn it I'm posting it again

I haven't seen this version, from the crowd. 2 minutes of chills. If I was on the Ice I would start just eating my tounge in excitment. I watch that every morning, do 50 push ups and run into the wall for a half hour. That is the effect it has on me.

More McSweeney's Genius

Another gem from http://www.mcsweeneys.net/

AN EXTREMELY PATIENT PRODUCERWORKS WITH ANASPIRING PORNOGRAPHY SCRIPTWRITER.

BY RYAN DILBERT

- - - -
Chuck,

Thank you for your submission to Bowchinkabowbow Productions. I'm going to have to pass on the current version. Feel free to send in a rewrite. Also, you have to type the script. I couldn't read many of the words. Lastly, illustrations of penises are not necessary.

Eddie Stantz
Executive Producer

- - - -
Chuck,

I see some promise here. At the moment, the story is a little sparse, though. You have to expand on the sex acts. Add some dialogue as well; that should help set up the scene. Also, a bedroom is a little boring. Perhaps choose a more exotic location.

Please check your spelling. On the top of Page 8, you wrote, "The dude puts his big cake in her mouth." If you actually meant that he has a big piece of cake and he feeds it to her, then please ignore this note.

Eddie Stantz
Executive Producer

- - - -
Chuck,

I do see some improvements, but I must stress a few things. The scenes should all be longer. The sex in porno is a given. There should be a tantalizing story to lead up to and contextualize the sex. You can't just have a guy and a girl in a locale have "wild, crazy" sex. Of course they do, but what specifically is wild and crazy about it? Who's doing what to whom, where, and with what? These are all vital questions to ask yourself.

On Page 4, the girl should say something other than "Let's do it, then!" This seems too obvious and blunt.

Also, remember that you can have a bigger variety of who is in the scene. Try a girl-on-girl, three guys and a girl, a guy and the Ukrainian rhythmic-gymnastics squad.

The factory is an interesting location choice. Perhaps go into greater detail about what it looks like.

Finally, "muscely" is not a word.

Eddie Stantz
Executive Producer

- - - -
Chuck,

Overall, this is a lot better. The "I am your father" twist was good, but it has already been done.

The part involving the monkey seems odd and misplaced. I'm not sure we can use it. That is for more of a specialized-audience type of film.

Having the man use his pipe wrench on the woman's nipples was great. That really ties in the location and is unusual. Ruthie, the female character who goes on the long tirade about how pornography is immoral, should be cut. She ruins the viewer's mood when she explains how exploitative and demeaning the porn industry is. This is, after all, a porn film and shouldn't be so self-critical.

Lastly, "Eye of the Tiger" should not be the background song for every scene.

Eddie Stantz
Executive Producer

Embracing Cam

From yesterday's Herald...

It’s a major award

B’s coach Dave Lewis said the three best-conditioned players in rookie camp were Jonathan Sigalet, Stastny and Redenbach. Their names will go on a plaque in the dressing room, as will the names of the three fittest veterans. All six will receive a new award.

“It’s going to be named after a famous Boston Bruin player,” Lewis said. “He does not know yet, but his initials are Cam Neely.”

First & Ten

Well, my suffering is over. After about a month without an ipod I'm back up and running. I'm not completely finished in downloading and importing everything I want. Still have a lot of live stuff I need to plow through. But I'm mostly done. And in honor of this joyous development I've decided to play the old "hit shuffle-all and see what the next ten songs that come up are" game for Freeze Pop land. Only, in this case, not only are you getting ten random songs, you're also getting the very first ten ever played from this ipod.

Without further ado...

1)Angie - The Rolling Stones (Solid start. I'm more than happy to kick off with The Stones. Funny thing is I used to hate Angie as a kid. I'd make my Dad change the station if it come on the radio. I'm not even sure why. I just hated it. Of course now, having lived a little, I think it's brilliant. Brilliant songwriting from Keith. Brilliant vocal from Mick. Great, great song. A worthy lid-lifter for my new ipod.)

2)Mountains O' Things - Tracy Chapman (I've been a huge fan of Tracy Chapman's first album since about my freshman year in college.)

3)Magical Mystery Tour - The Beatles (Beatles and Stones as 2 of my first 3? This is going to look rigged. I swear I'm not though. That's what came up. Not my favorite Beatles song but a good change of pace after a couple slow tunes.)

4)Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones (All right, WTF? Another Stones tune?)

5)Dancing With Myself - Billy Idol (Well, that's something different. One of the great odes to masturbation of all-time. )

6)Raven - Dave Matthews Band (Meh. I'm just not into Dave that much these days. I've still got a bunch of his stuff on here. I still think, for example, that the Lillywhite Sessions are very good. It's just hard to be real excited for DMB at this point.)

7)New Slang - The Shins (A little too trendy but that's OK. )

8)Mother's Little Helper - The Rolling Stones (I'm ready to bring this thing back to the Apple Store at this point. Are you kidding me? I don't even have that much Stones on the there for crying out loud. I'm officially miffed.)

9)Long Black Veil - Dave Matthews & Emmylou Harris (Now I'm just getting mad.)

10)Too Legit To Quit - MC Hammer (Ahh, but just when I'm getting to the end of the rope the Hammer pulls me back. Everytime I hear this song (which isn't often) I think of two things...1)the cheesy video they made for it with a bunch of pro athletes. 2)When I was in prep school a kid from my hall and I sent a form letter out to every NBA team basically asking them to send us free crap. Why? I don't know. We were bored one night and had an NBA directory I guess. Anyhow, about 75% of the teams actually responded and most of them did, in fact, send free crap. Pocket schedules. Fridge magnets. Stuff like that. But the one I'll always remember was the Lakers. The Lakers sent a bumper sticker. And on the bumper sticker? The Lakers logo and the hand motions...not the words...the HAND MOTIONS...for Too Legit To Quit. That's it. Classic.)

The Punch Out Chronicles III: Piston Honda w/ a little bit of King Hippo

Piston Honda

Tokyo, Japan
28
178 lbs
26 - 1 - 18 KO

-Background: Piston Honda’s father, Soichiro Honda, was an intense racer. His passion for the competition rivaled such current day legends as Vin Deisal, Paul Walker, Cole Trickle, and Mel Gibson (well only the passion part there). When he looked at the Japanese makert in the early 50’s, he saw that transportation as a major point of entry. So he straped an engine on a bike and created the Honda Moter Co. While Honda is praised for their constant reliabilty, this was not the case at home. Soichiro spent upwards to 18 hours a day at the office headquarters in Tokyo and spent little to no time with his 4 children: Piston, Clutch, Spark Plug and Wheel. This brewed up serious resentment and led each of these children in separate directions. Wheel and Clutch joined Yazuka, Spark Plug developed a passion for swimming, but because he was never formally taught, drowned in his third attempt. Piston repressed his anger towards his father and started to be formally trained in martial arts. After a devastating blow out with his father and a failure to get past the orange belt, Piston left and decided to work his way up the ranks of the Minor Circuit, where he hold’s the belt and is now currently ranked 5th in the World Circuit.

-The Scoop: We see Piston twice in our quest to glory. He is the first true fighter we come across and for the first time the concept of timing really comes into play (this becomes increasingly more important as the game continues, e.g. Bald Bulls famous Bull Charge). He has a nice selection of jabs and upper cuts, but the most successful move in his arsenal is the quick Banzai Rush Attach. There are 3 methods to deal with this magnificent charge. 1. Block, but you will become blue (this is a whole different topic, but WTF, lets talk about it now)
-Who gets blue when they get fatigued? I mean blocking is a pretty important part of the game. I would say the average boxer blocks at a minimum, 40 punches a fight if it goes a few rounds. And why correlate Mac’s power to his heart. They should start off Mac with 1000 hearts, lets be honest, he has no right (legally or physically, ethically) to be fighting these guys. It has to break every single regulation in the rule book. I don’t know who the governing body is, but there should be an in depth, federal investigation going on. Little Mac weighs 107 lbs.. he is 17. I mean come on.
2. You can get pummeled. If you don’t block it and your timing prevents option C, you get the ever living piss knocked out of you. I would also like to comment on Pistons Style, he throws some nice punches and really puts his body into them
3. You time it right, give him a low jab to the torso and he is down for the count. Every single time, if you land this, he is out. Another great side note is that the music he enters the ring too is a popular folk song from Japan, Sakura. The lyrics (which Nintendo obviously didn’t have the technology to incorporate) translate to:
“Cherry blossoms, cherry blossoms,
The expanse of the spring sky
as far as I can see
Is it the fog, or else the clouds?
Their smell comes forth.
Now, now,
Let's go look at them!”
Perfect. Just Perfect.

-Stereotype: Ok, before we get into this, we must keep in mind that this game is a product of the Japanese, which leads me to believe they will do anything for a profit. Let’s get into this now. Disregarding the background I provided above, his name is f’n Piston Honda. I repeat Piston Honda. That’s like a couple from Amsterdam naming their kid Kind Bud or a Canadian family naming their child, I don’t know, Lumber maybe… whatever the hell it is they do up there. His quotes are phenomenal. I believe at one point (it might have been in the original Punch Out, because it’s not in the Mike Tyson version) that he speaks and Nintendo translates it as “###&^&#*)#)@*#$)”. Nice, you guys really keep your pride on the top of the totem pole. In between rounds when Little Mac tells Doc to give him some advice Piston presumably screams across the ring: "Sushi, Kamikaze, Fujiyama, Nipponichi..." (I never understood this part of the game.. how can they hear each other? I guess today they could text each other or something, but back then it seems like an awful long way to taunt an opponent from). That has to be a tell tale sign of schizophrenia. Why yell out Sushi(food), Kamikaze(suicide attack), Fujiyama (which as far as I can tell has something to do with Mt. Fuji.. but that’s all I got), and Nippon Ichi(which may have something to do with Samurai, but it is really a Japanese programming company). There is no connection between the four and he speaks in symbols and English every other time. He also says he is going to give a TKO for Tokyo, which implies he has the ability to display some wit and humor. Intriguing guy, Piston is. He also thinks Mac should wear a helmet.

-Advice:-You have a good thing with your Banzai Rush Attack, it is your trademark move and at first a solid one, but you should try to work on the delivery. No need to step back and come dancing up to your opponent leaving your midsection wide open. Also, why does a stomach punch cause so much damage? I understand with King Hippo, there is clearly something going on there. But you seem to be in pretty good shape, at least strong enough shape to take a quick jab from the a 17 year old kid. [Off topic Rant] Back to King Hippo for a minute. Two things: 1. What the hell is behind that bandage? It has to be pretty serious because he will never, I mean never, lose unless you get him there. It has to be something that no doctor on Hippo Island can figure out or he would get it fixed, immediately. I mean if his stomach could take a blow, he would be unstoppable. And you can’t figure out his weight? Why not.. He is not THAT fat. Yes, he is big, but I mean there is no scale in the world that can give us his weight? Really? They know how much cars weigh, he surely can’t weigh more than a car. And we also don’t know his age? Why? We can come within 1% of telling how old the bottom layer of the Grand Canyon is and they can’t muster up some number, any number on the Hippo? As Dean, from Deans Home Furniture, would say “I Doubt It”. And where is Hippo Island? I think we have done a pretty good job scouting out the planet. The job title Discoverer just isn’t used anymore. Just referencing Google Maps real quick, I can firmly conclude the place doesn’t exist. 2. Who the hell is his manager or trainer? What type of tape job is that? Two pieces of Renfrew hockey tape over his belly button that must be covering up some serious injury? Lets get on this one guys. Also, it can’t be protecting much (its just tape), so why even have it? Why let someone know that you have a weak spot? Why sell it? Further more, whose genius idea was it to hike up his shorts to his chest to cover it up? That alone has to interfere with his boxing ability. You just can’t move as quickly with your underwear rammed up your ass.. it hinders your maneuverability. And take the frigging crown off. A) your in the ring and B) Your fictional island of Hippo’s doesn’t exist. [/End Off Rant]
-When we meet you the second time, you come with some new material, which is nice. You decided to add a third jab into your previous dual jab structure…good job on that one, I like your dedication to success. You also do that dip, hip shifting, uppercut that can, for a limited time, be tough to handle. Again, well done, proud of ya. But you still go with the Banzai Rush Attack? Learn from your mistakes man.

Just in Case:-Just in case you were wondering how this complex game play was described to those who purchased the game in 1984, here is the instructional manual that came with it The Original Punch Out Manual

*Note that Doc's last name is Louis (did not know that) and he was an ex-heavyweight in the 50's who was known as a hard hitter in the U.S. I am glad I know a little more about Doc.

What is Machon doing on September 21, 8:30pm?

No words necessary

Ranting

Something came across my mind as I read Clarke's lyric analysis(which is great, should be a staple in the future of 10FP). Why does the rest of the country say "Waiting On Line". If you do not already know, around the home of the dory we say "Waiting IN line". I am going to try to give this a fair and take a neutral analysis on the subject. Actually, screw that.. the rest of the country is wrong and we are right. But let me try to explain.

I think the answer lies within the question, What makes the line? If you are standing on line (which sounds awkward anyway because of the internet) you are implying that there is a line, beneath the soles of your shoes, that you are forced to follow. While standing IN line means that you and the other X amount of people ARE the line. With out this group of individuals, there is nothing.. just floor space. We create the line. This is not up for debate, I have conducted research. If you have more than 2 people with you, you can actually change the entire structure of a line. 3 people can take a straight and normal line and make it bend left or right. Now you have a line that has a corner in it. It's amazing how people don't question the formation of a line. They just get in it and follow the proper line ethics. And there are ethics while in line. No need to go into those, you know them well enough. The only reason a line exists is because people form it. The line is not under us, it is us, we are the line. I wish I know how to post a poll.. because I would be interested to find out how may of the 10FP readers say On line.. especially our reader from Malaysia. And while we are there.. thanks for reading Malaysia, we're proud of ya.

Lyrics Analysis (To Be With You)

I've always been fascinated by lyrics so perhaps this will become a running post. Certain lyrics just deserve a moment or two of our time. Like the following gems from "To Be With You" by Mr. Big...

I seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out

Um, OK. First of all, that doesn't rhyme. And it's not like "down" or "out" is hard to rhyme. But it does equate heartbreak and/or lost love to a rained out baseball game. Which I enjoy. I also like the fact that the "author" probably thought that was clever. (It's not)

On to the chorus...

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

"Waited on a line of greens and blues." OK. Stop right there. What in blue hell does that mean? Do you know what it means? I certainly don't. But there it is. People (mostly drunk) sing that song with gusto and belt that line right out with no questions asked. I demand an explanation.

State of the Isle, Part II

In my last post, Mad Dog mentioned the 4 Cups in his rant on the Isles. I'm not sure how many of our loyal Freeze Pop readers can fully appreciate how good those teams were and how crazy the fans used to be in Nassau County. So here's a small taste...

First video is a Mike Bossy goal from the '83 Finals against Edmonton. Things to look for...Bossy's quick release, Bossy's helmet and the crowd going absolutely crazy.


Second video is from the '81 Finals against the North Stars. Things to look for...Billy Smith skating around with the puck in the last 15 seconds and the fans pouring onto the ice to celebrate.

State of the Isle

Unfortunately, I can't find the original blog post that made this point (if I can, I'll post it here) but here's the New York Islanders offseason in a nutshell...

-Hired Neil Smith
-Hired Pat LaFontaine
-Fired Neil Smith
-Fired Pat LaFontaine
-Made the backup goalie the GM
-Signed a goalie with a career record of 58-62-8 to a 15-year, $67 million deal that will keep him under contract until he's 40

Brilliant. For more on the ludicrous Rick DiPietro signing here's what the Mad Dog had to say about it the other day...

“He’s not even that good. The longest contract in NHL history goes to Rick DiPietro? Think about that for a second. Out of all the great players who have played, the one who gets the longest contract in the sport’s history is Rick DiPietro? Are they trying to lose on purpose? That’s stupid. I mean that’s just stupid. Why? The Islander fan was not going to be upset if Rick DiPietro signed a five year contract, or a three year. What has he done so far? This is the same franchise that gave that dog Yashin 10 years and he doesn’t know how to play in a big game. Out of all the great franchises in NHL history, I know they won 4 cups, but I don’t consider the Islanders one of them. In the last 25 years, they’ve been a disgrace, 20 years, whatever it is. If you’re an Islander fan, if you have confidence in this management, you’re nuts.”

Amen, brother.

Now You Can Fit Your Ipod Up Your ....

Wow, Seriously, WTF. The second generation Ipod Shuffle is 1.67 inches, holds 240 songs and dissolves in your mouth. Are they flippin' kidding me? Was the first generation shuffle really to big? The web site says, "Clip it to your coin pocket". Yeah, because all of us wearing Levi's are dying for this feature.

SNL jokes are now becoming reality. Seth Myers had the Ipod Skit a while back and between the latest Burger King creation (4 patties) and Taco Bells "Crunch Wrap Supreme" this skit is a fiscal year away from being a staple in a middle school kids diet:

Picture of the Day

There's the obviously funny part, but there's plenty of subtle humor here too...

http://www.deadspin.com/sports/media/the-glamorous-world-of-sports-journalism-200035.php

Piraat Amber Triple IPA and 630 Other Words.

Machon just had one of the best beers that it has ever tasted. It's all opinion and it may have to do with the fact that the only chance I had to win my pick 'em confidence pool was to go with Oakland, which landed me at the Moan and Dove in the first place. (The guy ahead of me had the Chargers and it was the only possible way for me to win) But this Strong Golden Belgium Ale was just fantastic.

Details
-10.5 ABV
-White creamy head that just won't quit, as you take your last sip, it is still there... lingering on... much like Julio Franco.
-Deep Golden Body with the smell of a spicy, fruity, almost citrus aroma
-An extremely complex Honey Malt Flavor with a strong hop infused bitter finish

The problem is the 10.5 ABV is masked by its very appealing taste. It is a beer that could lead to dangerous situations. By dangerous situations I mean standing next to some 13 year old kid playing golden tee, telling him he is a pathetic excuse for an arcade golfer then having an in depth, quality conversation with that machine crane game where after 17 dollars you win a stuffed Bart Simpson doll that looks more like a Twinkie. What the hell is up with that game? Does anyone play that game when they are not on a date or hammered? The game just abuses the male mentality. If you are on a first date with a girl..how much will you spend? $10, $20? Are you really going admit you can't line up a metal crane over a huge pile of crap, hit a button, and win some pathetic animal that may or may not have any lasting effect on the course of the night? Of course not, you pee standing up. (side note.. imagine it was actually a pile of crap. Machon would still play, that's how stubborn he is.)

I promise that will be my last post on beer for a while. On a complete different note and for no better reason than Machon is the epicenter of the Swampscott Ghetto.. here is an instructional video for all of you to perfect the crypt walk. Great for company Christmas parties, family gatherings, and while inline at 2 am for a patriot burger at Big Fred's Roast Beef.



A Few more points while pursuing the longest post yet on 10 CFP..
1) This guy really thought Holland was going to win the world cup? Really? I'm not implying they had no shot, they did. But with Argentina in your pool..why so much confidence? And why during a C-Walk video on You Tube? Is Cocu Philip going home to learn the C-Walk? It comes up multiple times. They really love their futbol over there.
2) He has a tail. I repeat, he has a F'in tail. The only other time I have witnessed a human with a tail was when Clarke and I were at a show in a Thai restaurant in Salem Ma.. and this girl was 12 ounces short of beer can.
3) Jeans, under whatever the F that costume is. Why?
And Babyface, why are you so sick of love songs? That is really narrowing down your music catalog. Love songs are responsible for some of Machon's favorite of all time. As Nick Hornby once said:
"The truly great songs, the ones that age and golden-oldies radio stations cannot wither, are about romantic feelings. And this is not because song writers have anything to add to the subject; it's just that romance, with its dips and turns and glooms and highs, its swoops and swoons and blues, is a natural metaphor for music itself"

But who knows.. maybe Baby Face is right.