Thursday, October 19, 2006

The Punch Out Chronicles IV: The Sensual Spaniard

Don Flamenco

Madrid, Spain
123 lbs
22-3-9 KO's

-Don grew up in Madrid and his life was filled with love. However, the love came in very unconventional way. Paving the way for Paul Reiser and Greg Evigan, Don was raised by his two fathers. The Flamenco’s were a tight nit unit during the early years, spending weekends at the opera and traveling around Europe. Don thoroughly embraced the romantic culture that his fathers encompassed him with. While most kids where outside playing neighborhood games, Don was devouring the works of Miguel de Cervantes and Lope De Vega. At the age of 9, he acted in his first play. It was a small production, but Don knew he had found his calling. His love for the stage was unparalleled, acting in 26 plays by the age of 12. Then, something tragic happened. His biological father, Antonio, took off. Don was left with his second dad, Manueal, and tensions grew high. When Don was 14, Manueal left as well. Don was alone, scared, and had no one to turn too. With nowhere to live, no food on his plate, he took to the streets and learned to survive. His scrawny stature and feminine traits forced him to learn quick. He began fighting and slowly developed some street cred. At the age of 18 he came out of the closet and joined the Minor Circuit.

The Scoop

-We see Don twice during our journey to face Iron Mike. The first time we encounter him, he is ranked 3rd on the Major Circuit. The second time, he has made his way to the World Circuit, where he is ranked #2. Don is a one trick pony. He comes at you right away and starts to taunt you.. inviting you to throw a punch. He almost always dodges or blocks the first one and counters with a montrous uppercut. At this point, he becomes the easiest guy to defeat in the game. Easier than Glass Joe, Easier than Von Kaisar. The idiot doesn’t block. As long as you keep throwing punches at his long, akwardly shaped head he will never land a punch. The key is to throw a left, than a right and continue switching fists till he hits the canvas.
-It can get pretty uncomfortable in the ring with this guy. He is not your average taunter, infact he says little to his competition directly. Lets have a look at his quotes:
1) “People like my hair, don’t mess my hair!” Well, I am by no means an expert when it comes to hair, but I can’t believe you are in the right line of work if your hair is a priority. Especially when you take more shots to the head than Grant Fuhr. Furthermore, after looking at your candy corn shaped head, you really don’t have that nice of hair in the first place. In fact, I would like to meet these so called "people" that like your hair.
2) “Flamenco strikes back! Return of Don” That would make me laugh. Return of Don? Haha
3) “Hey! Mr. Referee Mario. I like your hair!” This is just a gem. Keep in mind, Don is in the middle of an ass whooping. He has taking at least 15-20 jabs to the face by the end first round. However, he enjoys Mario’s hair so much, than he needs to express his feelings. He can’t wait another second before complimenting Mario on his fine haircut. I like saying this line to myself with a spanish accent, or to the “Hey Mr. DJ” song.
4) “I am a beautiful fighter. I have such style!” Listen you narcissistic prick, your not that good looking. Okay, sure… your uppercut has some style, but in return you get bashed in the face repeatedly by a 17 year old kid. Get with it you psycho.
5) “Carmen my love… I dance so sweet for you!” Two things: 1. You should really try to keep your head into the fight here pal. As aforementioned, you’re getting pummeled by a minor. 2. This is a quote from the famous play Carmen, however the play is French. Why not just make his entire character French?
- A few more quick notes on Don. The guy has some dance moves, I have to give him there. No one can jig to a nice Spanish folk song like Don. Furthermore, he enters the ring with a rose in his teeth, but somehow it disappears right in the middle of his dance. So chalk up illusionist to his long list of talents. Finally, he has a gigantic nose and looks a decade older than 23.

-Block. Block a frigging punch. I mean come on. The first time we meet you it’s a joke. That’s right, I said it Don…You are a joke! Leave the f’n rose and the dancing at home and show up ready to fight.
-Style points mean little in the ring. Your prolonged, exaggerated upper cut is just nonsense. I am not sure why you can’t throw up your mittens after you deliver the ridiculous uppercut and BLOCK A FRIGGIN PUNCH, but you can’t, so get rid of the whole routine together.
-Stop thinking about Carmen, Referee Mario’s hair, your hair, pixies or what ever else is running through that narrowly shaped, football like head of yours. Fighting is your career, learn to focus. Also, maybe, just maybe Referee Mario doesn’t appreciate you coming on to him while he is working. I am guessing you run around saying this type of crap to lots of people. I would watch out, that could turn into a long, ugly, and expensive class action law suit.
-I must admit, you bring more to the table the second time we encounter you Don. You are very passive and it becomes increasingly difficult to time that quadruple left jab. While you still allow us to land a number of sequential face shots after your upper hook, you did learn to block it eventually. However, I still think your heads in the wrong place and that is, ultimately, your biggest flaw.

Who does this guy think he is…
-Seriously. I mean the guy who beats Mario 3 in like 6 minutes has something to brag about, that’s cool. Not this junk. This guy apparently puts on a blindfold (its pitch dark and we have no idea) and beats Don Flamenco. Turn off the sound and try it tough guy… anyone can beat up on Don, pick on someone your own size. To top it off, you don’t even utilize the L,R,L,R,L,R combo. You could have ended that fight a full Nintendo minute earlier. Chump.
-I feel bad for this kid’s friend. It sounds like he really looks up to him because he can do this. I hope to god it gets better for him down the road. Keep your head up bud, it can’t get any worse.

The Punch Out Chronicles Archive
Piston Honda
Von Kaisar
Glass Joe

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