Monday, August 28, 2006

The Boy with the Glass Jaw

So Machon's been playing a lot of Punch Out. We go through the phase every two years it seems like, and it always lasts a month or so. There is plenty to say about the game, including its jaw dropping stereotyping of ethnicities. With out going into their appearance and the dialogue during the game, the names alone are enough evidence: Piston Honda, Soda Popinksi, Don Flamenco, etc. Over the next week or so, we will go in-depth and explore the lives of a few of these fighters. So consider this a micro True Hollywood Story of Punch Out.

Glass Joe
Paris, France
110 lb’s
1-99 w/ 1 KO

-Background: Joe grew up 17 miles outside of Paris in Versailles. He spent the majority of his childhood alone. With no brothers or sisters, he was always looking for his niche. He found it in archery. At the age of 14, Joseph was quietly making a name for himself in the underground Archery Circuit. However, because of his small stature and lack of confidence, Joe found himself being the butt of ridicule in archery circles and his self esteem took a good ole’ French pounding. He retired and became a recluse. Then at the age of 30, he said enough was enough and decided to pick up the gloves. Looking back, he feels he may have rushed into it, 8 years later he is the doormat of the federation and has only 1 win.

-The Scoop: the obvious is his remarkable weak jaw, which landed him his nickname in the first place. Joseph does little to protect it and is in dire need of a manager to at least get him to keep his gloves up. Despite all of this, he feels that stepping back and talking trash before he throws a punch is necessary. Unfortunately, this move renders him hopeless, and and will land him on the canvas 100% of the time

-Stereotype: Well, let’s see now. He is from Paris, France, he is a complete coward to the point of being defenseless, and he weighs 110 pounds. He is the mockery of the federation. Not that we have anything against the French...we are just reciting the script.

- Get yourself a decent trainer. The complete absence of blocking and dodging punches borders on being suicidal. At this point, it does not have to be a certified trainer, but someone, anyone to tell him that taking that many punches is going to have long lasting effects on his health. Come on Joe, sign up with some internet chat board and get some advice… but if this continues, we can guarantee it will not end well.
- Quit the trash talking. You’re in no position to be mouthing off. At your best, you may drain some of your opponent’s energy hearts away, but it doesn’t matter with all the stars you give up. Your star to heart ratio is piss poor and frankly, weighing a buck 10.. you may want to look for work else where.

Questions still lingering: Where the hell did Joey land that 1 KO? He couldn’t go two rounds with a cub scout, we demand some explanation here.


Clarke said...

A selection of Joe's between-rounds comments.....

"This is my last match! I'm too old for fighting!"

"Make it quick... I want to retire!"

"Do I have time to take a nap before the fight?"

"Watch the jaw!! Don't hit my jaw!"

Hadley said...

I look forward to the bio of Mike Tyson.

Machon said...

Clarke, those are great. It makes you wonder why he even accepted this fight? I mean, how much money could possibly be in it for him. Does it cover the hospital bill?