Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Marxist Madman

Von Kaisar

Berlin, Germany
144 lbs
23-12 w/ 10 KO’s

-Background: Von was born on Dec 8, 1942 in Berlin. This was, to say the least, an incredibly tough time to be in his nations capital. With the Nazi Party coming to Power in 1933 and the second Great War beginning in 1939, Von was born into an unpopular race. Just after he was born, his neighborhood was crumbled by the air raids during the Battle of Berlin. His parents however, remained proud and loyal to their country, raising Von with the same enthusiasm toward their flag. His family ended up falling with the Marxist movement and, at the age of 19, Von helped build the Berlin Wall. Soon after that he joined the military, and at some point along the way started to pick up the gloves. When, where, and why… No one really knows.

-The Scoop: Von is a poor boxer for the same reason that he would be a poor poker player. His tells are outrageously forthright. Before ever single jab and hook he throws, he does some ridiculous head shake that is not only pointless, but must limit his vision and focus. Go ahead, sit there at your computer and start repeatedly and abruptly shaking your head side to side. You can’t read the words on the screen, never mind catch a jab or land one. On top of this, he gives up the most stars in the game, yes.. even more than the glass jaw. Secondly, after repeated punches to the abdomen, he gets phased and if you can spot this situation, you can knock him down with 1 star punch. The problem for Von is, you always know when this circumstance occurs because his frigging mustache starts glistening and twitching. Lastly, He is ranked #1 in the minor circuit, which seems to be a resume builder. However, upon further investigation we see that Glass Joe is ranked # 2, which leads one to believe that either A) there are only two fighters in the circuit or B) the minor circuit bouts are held at nursing homes, dungeon and dragon conventions, and Brian McFadden concerts everywhere.

-Stereotype: Look at the picture above, enough said.

-Shave your mustache. If you can’t get rid of the head banging, than for the love of god shave your mustache.
-Once again, a trainer would prove to be a great investment. Let’s start with his uppercut/hook. It takes 5 seconds to get off. There is no need to squat down to the ground and hang out there for a few before coming back up. Secondly, if every time you try to throw a punch, you are getting pounded in the face, try to stop for a second, regroup and do change your attack method. You just keep trying to throw the same punch and you keep getting socked in the face giving up stars. It’s absurd.

-Questions still lingering: He is 42 years old. Yet he has only fought in 35 fights? Let’s compare him with some other boxers his age:
Lennox Lewis: (40) 42-2-1
Evander Holyfield: (44) 42-8-2
Mike Tyson: (40) 50-6-0

Now this is their professional record, disregarding their amateur record. You may say that it is not fair to compare these guys with Von, I mean Von is not in the same federation, hell Von is not even real. Well if Von at 42 only fought 35 times, where the hell did Joe get the time to fight 100 bouts? Keep in mind that Joe needed some amount of time to recoup and let the after effects of his 99 ass beatings heal up. Maybe we did not give Joe enough credit.


Anonymous said...

nice clip machon and great tune. recommend a song for jukebox, Ray Lamontagne covering Gnarls Barkley "Crazy". its posted on that hype machine thing.

Clarke said...

Good stuff. Here are Von's between-round quotes...

"Surrender! Or I will conquer you!"

"I will teach you a lesson. You will fall down!"

"I was a boxing teacher... at the military academy!"

"Your punch is soft... just like your heart!"

Brandon said...

While I am moved by the story of Von...his early years present a single glaring historical improbability.

Germans by and large HATE communists (Marxists). In WWII they viewed them as subhuman

Machon said...

Thank you douglas, I should have known that. But, then again, we are only dealing with 8 bits.

J. reyes said...

even odder about his record -- youa re comparign his fight total to modern boxers. . . yet the bulk of his work had to have been done in much earlier times when purses were limited and no HBO contracts were guaranteed. By way of contrasts, Sugar Ray Robinson fought 202 total pro fights, approximately 70 of those coming during his second-stage comeback that lasted from 1959-65.

And I doubt this dude was pulling cake like SRR.