Saturday, November 11, 2006

The Rule Of Five

I have discovered it. It took time, it took patience, but I have figured it out. It all comes down to the rule of 5. Last night I went out to a bar with Machonette and her friend and they sat there cordial and quiet. I looked around the bar and saw women in groups of two and three everywhere, just quietly enjoying their night out. In most cases the same was true for a group of four. But wait, oh god, just wait, until you get the fifth. For some reason five girls is the equivalent to Jumanji. Actually, I have never even seen Jumanji, nor do I know if I am spelling it right, but I am pretty sure that is what being around five or more women feels like. If you find yourself in a situation where, god forbid, Alanis is on the radio and there are more than five women in the area, I would suggest just swallowing Draino. Not because I hate women, I love them. Not because I hate Jagged Little Pill, good album. Mostly because the combination of the two creates a mosh pit like environment of long, sharp nailed women with a sincere hatred toward the male gender. I realized this tonight. Playing pool... shooting pretty good stick, when a nice quiet group of two starts to gain some momentum. Two turns into three and the next thing I know it looks like a gauntlet drill gone bad. They are pulling dance moves that would make Kevin Bacon’s character in Footloose feel uncomfortable. They are out of control to the point where we have to stop playing pool because their little drum circle is expanding onto the felt.

Guys, my friends, we have always been okay by ourselves. It took me a while to pinpoint this, but when a group of girls breaks the fifth person barrier it’s like they conjure up some Umberto Unity mojo and just lose their f’n minds. You do not want to be near this situation. It never ends well. The fifth girl will bring on a whole different dimension. Blue turns to gray, up becomes down and things only turn for the worse. I am not sure why this happens, nor do I want to know. I do know that if I have a daughter, I am going to have a ceiling on the number of friends she can have.

Sidenote: I hope that Olney is right about the Sox landing Matsuzaka.

1 comment:

Brandon said...

more posts about how creepy women a fan

On a more serious note, women DO get nuts in larger I know VERY VERY little about women, but I know they HATE other women. They are like animals, large groups means more competition, the laws of nature dictate that that will in turn lead to clashes and crazy drum circles.....creepy