Saturday, November 18, 2006

Meatloaf's .666 average

It's interesting how the meaning of an average changes drastically depending on what the sample is. Going two for three for a couple of games is fantastic in baseball and most likely impossible to sustain over a season. However, if you are getting two out of every three questions right on your GMATs... not so good. The reason I bring this up is my coworker was singing Meatloaf's "Two out of Three ain't Bad". After thinking about it for a solid hour at work, I decided that Meatloaf is completely full of it. Two out of three is piss poor when talking about love. I guess it depends on the sample size, but even then it is certainly a red flag. If you start dating Meatloaf (which is sort of a red flag in itself) and on the third date he starts dropping the ball, you would probably chalk it up to a bad day. However, if after 100 dates, he has F'ed up 33.3 times, well... I would have to cut the 'loaf loose. Not to steal the lyrical analysis from Clarke, but his faults are very prevalent within the lyrics of the song:

"I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears"

-Two things. She is probably a bit upset about the fact you shouted till you went hoarse. That is not your typical, quick tempered fight. Going hoarse involves a prolonged, continuous period of yelling. She has every right to be cold. Secondly, if by some miraculous development, icicles do in fact replace your tears, you should get that checkout immediately. It sounds very painful.

"And all I can do is keep on telling you
I want you
I need you
But there ain't no way
I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad"

-No Meatloaf, you're wrong. In this case, two out of three is not only bad, it's downright appalling. It's a deplorable effort.

"You'll never find your gold on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're looking for a ruby
In a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding
At the bottom of a Cracker Jack box"

-You really know how to shatter a girl's dreams don't you. However, what type of girl plows through a box of Cracker Jacks hoping for a Caddy? And how many mountains are made of something other than rock? I think you could have taken a page out of the George Costanza manual and gone with the age old, "It's not you... it's me" routine. Furthermore, no city in America is going to let some inexperienced woman start drilling for oil on a street and I would imagine no woman is slotting that in their weekend schedule. Drilling for oil is a dangerous, highly skilled activity that requires ridiculously expensive equipment. If she is really considering this and has the resources to get it done, you should contact the police immediately.

-When I imagine this situation, I would have to guess that the lady walked out half way through this next verse. He starts off the conversation by screaming at her until he loses his voice, which in his profession is suicide. The big guy then demolishes her aspirations and tells here that there is no way he can love her. I would think at this point, she gets the message and letting off the gas for a second would probably be beneficial to her self-esteem. But no, he feels the need go into this:

"There's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back, ooh I know
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her
Not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away"

-Thanks Meatloaf, real f'n cool of you. Why don't you go ahead and tie the noose for me. It's been hard enough with the yelling and the insults. Not to mention that Meatloaf’s holler is not your average scream, but the type that causes seismic activity. I don't want to hear about your lost love, why don't you let go of the past and see what’s right in front of you. Lastly, I have a feeling you are cherry picking your stats here. Nowhere in the context of this song do I see any indication of you getting two out of three things right. Your average is more likely in the class of the 1962 Mets.

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