Lyrics Analysis (Funky Cold Medina)

All right, kids.  Let's jump back into the lyrics analysis game
with a song that's shockingly 20 years old now.  My comments in
red...

Funky Cold Medina - Tone Loc

Alright, dig it (As you wish, sir)

[ VERSE 1 ]
Cold coolin' at a bar, and I'm looking for some action
(Is there a better way to describe hanging out than cold
coolin'? I say no.)  
But like Mike Jagger said, I can't get no satisfaction
The girls are all around, but none of them wanna get with me
My threads are fresh and I'm lookin def, yo, what's up with
L-o-c?
(Questioning yourself in the third person is kind of awesome.)
The girls is all jockin' at the other end of the bar
(Or, as they say in Spain..."Las muchachas son todo el jockin'
en el otro extremo de la barra.  It seems "jockin'" is the same
in any language.) 
Havin' drinks with some no-name chump, when they know that I'm
the star
(The nerve)
So I got up and strolled over to the other side of the cantina
(I like that.  Tone's perplexed but he's not in any great hurry.
Just calmly strolls across the cantina.)
I asked the guy, Why you so fly? he said, Funky Cold Medina
(I love that the guy answered so confidently and with no
hesitation. Like some stranger coming up to you in a bar and
asking "why you so fly?" is totally normal and expected.  I'd
like to ask 100 random people "why you so fly?" to see if even
one of them wasn't completely confused.) 

Funky Cold Medina

[ VERSE 2 ]
This brother told me a secret on how to get more chicks
Put a little Medina in your glass, and the girls'll come real
quick
(In your own glass?  Not in their glasses?)
It's better than any alcohol or aphrodisiac
(It absolutely isn't.  This is like saying a Mercedes is better
than a car. Something can be the best in its class.  It can't
be better than something it is though.  Ketchup can't be better
than any tomato-based condiment.)
A couple of sips of this love potion, and she'll be on your lap
(That's powerful stuff.  A couple sips?)
So I gave some to my dog when he began to beg
(Wait, what?  Why?  Why in the world did you do that?  You gave
some to your dog?  Your dog!?!?)
Then he licked his bowl and he looked at me and did the wild
thing on my leg
(I'm sorry but you deserve that Tone.  What were you hoping
would happen when you gave your dog Funky Cold Medina?  Again
...it's your dog!)
He used to scratch and bite me, before he was much much meaner
(I bet the Dog Whisperer secretly uses Medina.)
But now all the poodles run to my house for the Funky Cold
Medina
(All right, I'm confused.  Do you give the Medina to someone and
it makes them horny?  Or do you drink it yourself and suddenly
you become irresistible?  I mean, the guy at the bar had it in
his glass.  And your dog is getting all kinds of hot poodle ass
from drinking it.  So that implies you drink it yourself.  But
then, you're giving it out to everyone in the rest of the song.
And it only stands to reason that the object of your affection
should be the one drinking it.  Hmmmm. Mysterious stuff, this
Medina.) 

You know what I'm sayin?
(Not really)
I got every dog in my neighborhood breakin' down my door
I got Spuds McKenzie
Alex from Stroh's
(Two celebrity dogs and they both live in your neighborhood?
What are the odds? Love how dated those references are now too.)
They won't leave my dog alone with that Medina, pal
(Oh, we're pals now?  Nice.)

[ VERSE 3 ]
I went up to this girl, she said, Hi, my name is Sheena
(Speaking of odds...what are the odds her name would rhyme with
Medina? Would've been much harder to write this lyric if her
name was Barbara. Or Ruth.) 
I thought she'd be good to go with a little Funky Cold Medina
(Well, that's an improvement over giving it to your dog. Lucky
lady.)
She said, I'd like a drink, I said, Ehm - ok, I'll go get it
(As a rule, I think it's a good idea to let strangers pick your
drink for you.)
Then a couple sips she cold licked her lips, and I knew that she
was with it
(Dope)
So I took her to my crib, and everything went well as planned
But when she got undressed, it was a big old mess, Sheena was a
man
(Bahahaha.  Well then. That, indeed, is a big old mess.)
So I threw him out, I don't fool around with no Oscar Meyer
wiener
(It's kinda not his fault though...just for the record.)
You must be sure that the girl is pure for the Funky Cold
Medina
(...says a man who earlier in the song gave some of this stuff
to a dog.)

You know, ain't no plans with a man
This is the 80's, and I'm down with the ladies
(Something about the 70's you want to tell us about, Tone?)
Ya know?
(Kinda....I guess)

Break it down

[ VERSE 4 ]
Back in the saddle, lookin for a little affection
I took a shot as a contestant on The Love Connection
(Does anyone have that episode?  I'll pay good money for it.)
The audience voted, and you know they picked a winner
I took my date to the Hilton for Medina and some dinner
(That is so, so romantic.  I'm swooning.)
She had a few drinks, I'm thinkin soon what I'll be gettin'
(Wait, a few FCM's?  You only need sips of that stuff, pal.)
Instead she started talkin' 'bout plans for our weddin'
(See, that's what happens.)
I said, Wait, slow down, love, not so fast says, I'll be seein'
ya
That's why I found you don't play around with the Funky Cold
Medina
(Apparently not)

Ya know what I'm sayin
That Medina's a monster, y'all
(Words to live by.  And we're out...)